Thursday, February 23, 2012
Words By Perry B.
With every Mark Zuckerberg and Sean Carter, there comes an equal yet opposite jackass who spent the past year devouring attention and contributing nothing to society. In honor of the douche bag debauchery, I have put together a small team of degenerate gentlemen to form the ultimate guild: The League of Un-Extraordinary Gentlemen.
Usually, upon hearing the words “extraordinary” and “league” you may immediately comprise an urbane super-group with Tom Ford, George Clooney, Pharrell (of the Neptunes) and Idris Elba, ravishingly prepared to save the world, one swoon at a time. Or maybe that’s just me. In any case, a group of regal and rightfully deserving personas should come to mind.
This is not that group. This is the other group: those who use so much time and energy soaking up all the free resources (both, sunlight and oxygen) that they’ve forgotten the true purpose of their presence.
There’s no denying this kid’s got talent. Between singing, dancing, and the ability to lip sync while pretending to do both, he definitely has “it.” Unfortunately for him, having “it” is only half the battle, as it takes more than a smooth Pop n’ Lock to prove victorious on this dance floor. I’m sure you’re thinking Chris is on the list for being a felonious woman beater, and you’re wrong. Chris Brown is listed because he is a complete douche bag. He lives in a make believe world where one doesn’t deserve to be criticized for his/her actions and if he is criticized, he becomes the “victim.” If Chris Brown finds himself the “victim,” then you’ll have a stool being thrown out your office window, all before 11 am; a “victim’s” way of saying “Good morning” I suppose. (Get it?) From his on-air tantrums to his irate twitter rants online, this guy has more issues than a small third world country.
No, not that poor, unsuspecting alley cat, obsessed with a faint possibility. I’m talking about the helpless Internet guy, obsessed with hoarding databases. Remember MySpace? If not, don’t worry, neither did I until a few moments ago. I was Googling “Myvidster” and was somehow redirected to Myspace.com. I was terrified. It was like waking up in the year 1970, only if 1970 was pretending to be 2012. It was a nightmare. Once upon a time, MySpace was the premier social network but then Facebook came along, and Twitter soon followed. Instead of recognizing defeat and bowing out gracefully, Tom threw a mean left hook and created MySpace Records. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t enough to defeat the juggernaut that is Evolution. Now, Tom is trying to convince anyone who’ll stop tweeting for a moment that MySpace will make a triumphant return. #YeaRight.
I don’t even know where to begin with this guy. So, I won’t.
As a proud supporter of the New York Jets, I couldn’t care less about another team's weakness. Especially if that means a win for my team. However, the hot mess that is Tony Romo is indescribable. If you don’t follow football, Tony Romo is the quarterback for the Dallas Cow
girlsboys. He, proudly, led his team to many a defeat over the past few seasons. The chances of him throwing a victorious pass were about as unlikely as finding a southern hunting camp by the name of “N*ggerhead Ranch.” Wouldn’t you agree, Rick Perry?
Brash, rugged, unapologetic. These words could easily describe the cliché fraternity guy, but in this case they define Russell Brand. Known for not giving a “flying f*ck,” especially if you’re American, Brand is a British “Actor/Comedian” who is probably more offensive than he is hilarious. He’s rehearsed the age old “I’m a rebel/bad boy” routine so far into the ground that I’m pretty sure he’s gotten tips from Satan over brunch. The act gets old, Russell. I’m only surprised it took Katy so long before she, too, realized.
Lastly, no league is complete without a leading lady. After brief consideration, (this was a no-brainer) it is none other than…
Like Russell, the act is getting old, Taylor. The “OMG, I’m so humbled and honored—I love my guitar—Look at my side ponytail!!” routine is no longer working, and everyone’s getting sick of it. We get it; you’re young and “normal.” Just take your multi-platinum albums, sold out shows, and guest appearances by Nicki Minaj and go away. Come back when you’ve revamped your attitude. No one likes a Goody Two Shoes. AND STOP DRESSING LIKE DR. QUINN, MEDICINE WOMAN FOR GODSAKE!!
Overall, this is not hate mail. I do not want these individuals to die or tragically suffer; that’s a bit much. All I ask is that they revamp, reboot and return to us with something to offer. We’ve had enough their bullshit to last us a lifetime.
Perry B. is an opinionated freelance writer, blogger and honey bun enthusiast from New York City, who currently resides in Atlanta.